do you remember the first time you were called annoying?
how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze
the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day.
you were 13.
you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.
i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.
all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours
there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own.
but you will never be
and have never been
Today well technically yesterday the 7th was my twentieth birthday. Twenty a new decade, no longer a teen, but not 21, somewhere in limbo.
19 was quite the crazy year, and while I did have some good experiences I also felt very lost. I felt lost in my friendships, in my relationships with my family, academically/career wise, and socially in terms of where I fit in school. And while I’m still figuring a lot of things out, I’ve learned that its it’s okay to feel that way. Getting older these past couple of years has made me appreciate the little things more, and not get side tracked by expectations that weren’t met. I’ve learned that regardless of the decisions I make I have to learn to have faith in myself, and to take chances even if there’s a chance things won’t go the way I want them to.
But most of all I learned that Twenty is still young, that i’m still entitled to make mistakes, and still entitled to chase my dreams.
Today I was telling my best friend a story about my eighteenth birthday in which I told her how I felt kinda bad about something that had happened ( it wasn’t a really bad situation or anything just an awkward one that could’ve ended less awkwardly)
Anyways a man that was sitting nearby walks up to me and tells me something along the lines “that i’m too beautiful to be feeling bad about that”, and then walks away. I awkwardly say thanks and i’m relieved that he walks away because i’m in NYC and lets just say stranger things have happened.
But this encounter had me thinking, what if I had actually done something bad and hurt the person I was talking about? What if that man regardless of what I said still told me that I was too beautiful to be upset about that? I mean everyone should be entitled to feel bad about anything regardless of their appearance. People who are deemed beautiful shouldn’t be an exception. But in a society where we value one’s physical appearance over other things sometimes we forget that. This is all part of the Halo effect, and while that man probably meant no harm by what he said, sometimes when we say things like that we continue to perpetuate false concepts regarding beautiful people.
Just because someone is deemed “beautiful” doesn’t mean they shouldn’t face any repercussions for their actions, Just because someone is “beautiful” doesn’t make them kinder, or more trustworthy. Many of us are guilty of thinking this way at times, myself included, but that’s nothing that a little more self-awareness can’t change.